Tug-Of-War
My whole life has been a tug-of-war, with what?
Eating.
But as I begin to think, there are many parallels to that. It seems that my entire existence has been a massive tug-of-war game with the friction of what my mind whats and what my heart wants.
I am a singer, I am a songwriter, I am a daughter, I am a friend (my best friend hates me at the moment), I am an aunt, I am an anorexic, I am a bulimic, I am a self-harmer, I am an alcoholic, I am a sex addict, and I am a love addict, and I am a child of God.
Right now I am in a sinking depression.
Many factors go into this, but mostly because I am giving up my eating disorder. (again). Now, it seems I have nothing to hold onto, nothing I can keep control of. I have had an eating disorder for more than half of my life. I’m 19 years old, and restricting and purging have revolved around my life since I can remember.
Today I slept, two days ago I cut myself for the first time in 5 months. I usually have so much motivation, but these last few days I don’t.
One of my friends is dying, one of my other friends hates me. Music is my passion, right now it is the only thing i’m living for, but i just can’t see a way out of this.
When I begin to think about all this I have so many suicidal thoughts. ugh.
If I’m not following you anymore…
I did it for a reason..
I’ve officially been in rehab for my eating disorder for the past five months. Through major relapses, setbacks, and successes I was given the ok to be released into the real world two weeks ago and give this “eating” thing a try. Now don’t think that just because ive been in rehab for the past five months I’m cured and I’m on the side of the road with a sign and a basket full of donuts saying “I love food!” it’s quite the opposite.
Everyday I choose to make a choice. A choice choosing to eat and not purge. A choice choosing to not over exercise. A choice choosing not to take laxatives or ipecac for not cut myself. To put it frankly, I’m choosing to live.
Five months ago I was on the cusp of death. For 11 years I was slowly choosing to commit a long and vigorous suicide till I reached the point where I was praying I wouldn’t have to wake up the next day.
I was in denial for 11 years, till someone loved me enough to get me help. (I feel like I need one oof those t-shirts that old grandmas get from tourist traps saying, “my ___ loves me and all she got me from ___ was this lousy shirt.”)
But really, I kicked and screamed my way to rehab like a kid going to kindergarten. Nobody was going to tell me I has any problems let alone an eating disorder! So out in the hollers I went down a long and winding dirt road to a house by a lake with 10 other girls with eating disorders.. (you can only imagine how much comparing went down)
To be continued….
I just got out of rehab for my eating disorder
i was there for 90 days. It’s been a long ass haul but i’m getting through it. I can’t even look at my page anymore its so fucking triggering. If anyone needs any help feel free to contact me. I sure aint a professional but I’m a person that has unwillingly seeked help for myself.
I never thought i would be alive to be able to post something like this.
rehab tomorrow. scared out of my mind? you bet.
(by Benedict.)
(Source: fightingf1t)
123!!!!1
almost to my second goal weight.
I told myself I can b/p today because I mostly fasted yesterday. But im scared now.
6 days till i get into rehab.
my ED is trying to suck as much life out of me as it can.
